Breathing Again

16Jun08

I thought this day would never come.

But it did today. Thankfully.

One of the most stressful things about preparing for labour and maternity is the handing over of duties at work. Although the company mantra is that no one is indispensible, I personally found it difficult to make myself indispensible to my unit.

The thought of not having control over what happens to my team over the next 3 months fills me with dread frankly. Contrary to what you might think of me, I am not a control freak. Honestly, I would relish the thought of being able to simply entrust the daily meticulous duties of my unit to a team of dedicated and trustworthy co-workers.

Unfortunately that thought remains just that - a thought.

Surely it is unhealthy that my work is causing me more stress and concern than the coming of Qiqi. People have been asking me when I would begin my maternity leave.

At 39 weeks now, just 1 week away from EDD, I finally decided to call it quits. I am suddenly tired of being stressed about my team and work. I wanted to focus on my baby, and the labour that lies ahead. I wanted to be able to give myself to Qiqi wholeheartedly and spend these remaining days bonding with her quietly and privately before we finally met face to face. In other words, I wanted to retreat into a private spiritual space, occupied only by God, hubs, Qiqi and myself.

So I did the leap of faith today and forced myself to suspend all my work worries. I finally handed over whatever I could to my boss, knowing full well that the team’s journey in the 3 months ahead would see a bumpy ride filled with potholes and precarious rocky crevices. My only hope is that the carriage doesn’t overturn or disintegrate to the point that it would be a nightmare to take over the reins again after I return from maternity.

I am not being overdramatic. The concerns are real.

I guess I really should pray for my workplace. I haven’t been doing that – and that’s probably why I’m feeling so edgy about it.

Well, from tomorrow onwards, I breathe the new air of freedom though I imagine it might take me a while to unlearn the habits of work-worrying. This is a habit that has so insidiously engraved itself into my psyche that I can’t even recognise it as stress. It’s just become a way of being.

I have a sudden urge to be free from the shackles of work; to be concerned only with myself and my baby. Fortunately the tantalising view of space and freedom lies just beyond tomorrow’s sunrise.

Yes just last week I never thought this day would come.

But it finally did.

Thank God.

 

Filed under: Lessons in Life, Mom Thots   |  1 Comment